A Little Dark History and a VERY Bright Future

It doesn’t have to stay that way. It truly is all about choice. All of it.

Oct 24, 2025

PART 1: The Boy Who Got Lost

It all started when I was young. Very young.

I recall many occasions as a small boy discovering the joys and pleasure of having a body. Not only did I get the pleasure to discover my own body, but I also had this natural ability to magnetise girls into my life from a very young age. I genuinely adored girls—I loved playing with them, hanging out with them, and for me, in my world, it was all very normal and sweet.

When I was around 5 in primary school (one year earlier than everyone else), I had my first girlfriend. I adored her. We just cherished each other, it was sweet and kind. We always hung out, snuck around, and just had a good time. It was fun.

I also had another ‘girlfriend’ (apparently, I was already choosing my reality and lifestyle lol), where we got to find out what bodies are all about. Again, it was just a discovery phase. It was innocent, kind, felt great and enjoyable.

But over time, it became clear that this was becoming more and more of an issue for the adults in my life.

Over the years—all before I was even a teenager—I got “caught,” trapped (this is another story) , and shamed for being a boy and playing with girls (For clarity, I’m not talking about copulation here. I’m talking about innocent, sweet exploration - the you show me yours and I’ll show you mine” type vibes. Curiosity. Discovery).

The adults in my life simply did not know how to be with this or deal with this. So, I received the common and usual punishments: anger (aka adult fear), judgment, and shaming. Lots of shaming.

To add to all of this, I grew up as an only child with a single mom (very young herself, who had also grown up with an abusive father and a gaslighting mother), and a dad who was not capable of being there when I needed him.

Growing up surrounded by five man-hating women, constantly being told how abusive men are and that I would end up “like this or that” because of who I was and who I came from … well, that was a very confusing way to develop in an environment that is supposed to care for me, support me, and empower me (sad to say this is more common than empowering environments).

I grew up alone. And I had this deep sense that no one could truly be there for me without anger, judgment, and social or behavioural conditioning attached.

Fast forward to being a teenager—the time when it’s supposedly “okay” to have an interest in girls and women. By then, I was so fucked up. I had built up so many walls and barriers from years of being told how wrong it all was and how wrong I was. I had already lost myself in a world of shame and wrongness.

My teenage years were awful. I hated every part of my life. I could not enjoy myself around girls anymore, and I was so weird and awkward it hurt.

I shut out and turned off any part of myself that was sweet, caring, and adoring. I became defensive, aggressive, and completely lacked any sense of self. I also completely checked out of my body.

I also had no one around to show me the joys and pleasures of what it is to be a man, let alone a gentleman, and again, my receiving had been killed to such a point I was not capable of receiving any contribution or kindness from others.

Having to handle and manage the intense amount of shame and wrongness drilled into me as a young boy, I developed massive coping mechanisms—both externally and internally. It became a breeding ground for narcissism, control, manipulation, and, let’s be honest, being a general dick.

I lost myself as a boy.
The kindness, the sweetness, the caring—all those beautiful capacities of a true gentleman—had been slowly gaslighted out of me.

From this, I developed what this reality calls deep traits of narcissism. (I’ll link to Gary Douglas’s article on what narcissism actually is because what I discovered was far more nuanced and real than the clinical definition.)

Life was tough. Hard. Confusing. And most of all, deeply lacking.

Based on all this—and many other aspects I haven’t mentioned—I found myself after school (itself an institution of control and gaslighting) completely confused, frustrated, and with zero idea what to do with myself.

I had no grounding for how to build a life. No clue on where to put my energy and attention. No idea how to have a sense of self or create a future. I lacked a deep sense of support and security.

My life, my reactions, my responses and my general point of view were one big conglomeration of coping mechanisms to find safety and security. And chose this through finding women who would be willing to take care of me and support me (This is a whole exploration in itself, keep an eye out for that article).

PART 2: The Two Men & Finding the Boy

Here’s where it gets messy.

When you live in survival mode for long enough, you learn to present different versions of yourself. There’s Man One: the one you want people to see and believe in. The one you wished you were and could be. Charming, together, capable. And then there’s Man Two: what those who get close enough to you actually experience. Confusing. Reactive. Controlling.

Both are a confusing mix of the real you (the being beneath it all) and the coping mechanism parts of you that kept you ‘alive’ in the need to survive.

It’s an even more confusing dynamic for others to deal with because not only does it make them feel wrong and confused about what’s actually going on (gaslighting), but it also triggers and challenges their own deepest coping mechanisms. And that’s how ‘the narcissist’ wins—by keeping control, by strategising, all in the name of safety and survival.

This is a part of me I’m not particularly proud to share. It’s really hard to look back and think, “Wow, I became a bit of a monster in so many ways.” None of it was intentional, of course. But being so utterly disconnected from yourself and your body doesn’t leave much room for something beautiful or kind to show up.

But here’s the thing: it doesn’t have to stay that way. It truly is all about choice. All of it.

And this is what I would like to invite you all to, in your own way, and in the depths of whatever your story is at the time.

With years of deep work (I started at 15 to work on myself, as I am writing this, I am 41), incredible support (this was only received in the last few years *2024), and the life-changing tools of Access Consciousness, I managed to discover, receive and let out the beautiful Me again.

I broke free from the havoc I’d let guide my life. And I started to come alive in a totally beautiful, surprising, and deeply real way.

I finally started committing to my life and started learning how to take care of ME!

Now, after leaving Italy, I find myself in the stunning coastal village of Noordhoek, Cape Town, in a cottage on a small farm, surrounded by horses, ocean breezes, and a coffee culture that truly nurtures my sense of adventure and aliveness.

And I’m just getting started!

The Gentle-Man

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